And when I say “you”, I really mean ME.
I’m two months into my 30th year of existence and I’ve been feeling super accomplished in a lot of areas of my life.
Work life? Great! Within the past four years I’ve made amazing connections and my future is looking bright.
Finances? Well we all have student loans, but with opportunities came more mula. And if you know me THAT makes me happy (not that it defines me or anything)… and your girl credit score looking right, ok?!
Social life? If you read my first post you know that I’ve been working on saying “no” and I’ve been mastering it. Feeling like I have the perfect balance of relaxing after long weeks and still going out when I feel like it.
So what is missing you may ask? Yup. I’m single as hell. And I’ve never been this falling over, looking for love kind of girl (honestly I’ve often wondered if I were maybe I wouldn’t be here?… mmmm nah). It’s become quite clear to me though that I’ve wanted a relationship, its just never been priority number 1. So since I was hitting other goals, I was fulfilled. But now more than ever for some reason I no longer need my mama nagging me as that reminder that I’m single, I’m, reminded all by myself.
First thing I had to realize and admit to myself was that this was an actual desire. For so long I would talk about my career being my main focus, and when friends would try and hook me up I’d remind them that being in a relationship or marriage was not a life or death matter. I would get into debates with my parents and let them know that life would go on if love never found me. Now though my stance on these things have NOT changed, I have been reminding myself lately that what I speak will come to be. Would I really be ok being single forever? With no one to share life with? Just some questions I’d ask myself…. Secondly, I realized I had no clue what it meant to date. So I’m about to be super transparent. I’ve been in TOO many situationships. Yup you read right. Situationships, not relationships.
Situationship: A relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.
Yup. I went into one, came out of it, went into another, came out of it… you get the point. And I found that men liked the idea of me and keeping me around but would not commit. It was quite puzzling. But I realized they weren’t committing because I was settling for just their company. In the beginning I was ok with us not being committed, and then I’d develop feelings and then it would turn into some sort of debate, and then it would be over. Boy, was I tired of THIS. So within the past year I told myself I’d be as specific as possible with men: I’m looking to build (note I still would not say, “I want a relationship”).
Third and lastly because I’m realizing this is becoming a super long post, I guess I had to put myself out there. And this is actually the most confusing for me. I think I’m pretty social. I’m out all the time, though I’ve recently committed to slowing down. I’m not with the online dating, so going out was it (not my preference, knuckle up if you got a problem). I will admit when I’m out, and I happen to give my number to someone I never let it go anywhere. I’ll either never respond to their text or call …. or start a conversation and let it just be that.. a conversation. When friends ask to link me with someone, I also shut it down. In my mind I’m looking for something organic. Yup, I know that when I exchange numbers with someone I’ve met while I’m out this can absolutely count as an organic interaction. I’m working on it people!!
But I am prepping myself, because I’ve never been materialistic or picky (friends would argue this) but I do have standards. I remember a couple years back when I was looking desperately for a new job opportunity, someone I looked up to warned me not to be so desperate that I just take any opportunity presented to me. This is how I feel about dating… I’m not desperate, and there are standards I just won’t budge on. And that’s really because I’ve budged before and it just never worked out.
2018 will be different because for the first time, I’ve written love on my resolution list. I truly believe that writing down and speaking your goals into existence works… especially when its aligned with prayer.
I’m ready and welcoming it with open arms. Still hard for me to say it out loud so I guess I’ll just type it:
I want a relationship. A happy, loving, balanced, God-filled relationship.